Stuck

I haven't updated this thing in a while so I figured I would try to put something together. I really don't know what to say or where to start. The last month has been all over the place for me. I feel like I'm stuck in a lot of ways. If I'm being 100% honest, I've really just wanted to get the hell out of here. I want to leave Charleston, move to NYC, and start all over. New life, new friends, new school, new job. New everything. It's not that life here is bad... I don't really know what it is. I just have this urge to leave. I feel like I don't "fit" anywhere anymore. I've prayed about it, but haven't gotten any clear direction on what to do yet. It's frustrating because it's like I'm tied down here and couldn't leave even if I wanted to. I have a one-year lease on my apartment, classes I've already paid for, a mom who would cry for days if I moved, etc. I just feel stuck. I need something new.

I know that God knows what I need. He knows even more about what I need than I do. Through this season of my life, I have no other option than to trust that God has a plan for me and that it's all going to work out... even though I don't see it and don't believe it at times. His plan is greater, his ways are higher.

I've found a lot of comfort in this song the past week...




Jesus, the most beautiful name of all names
Jesus, the only name that brings healing and strength

When I speak Your name, mountains move, chains are loosed
When I speak Your name, darkness flees, it has no hold on me

Jesus, the most beautiful name that I know
You're the exalted One
Jesus, You have the power alone
You lift the lonely ones, Jesus

Jesus, the most wonderful name of all names
Jesus, the only name that brings freedom and hope

When I speak Your name, mountains move, chains are loosed
When I speak Your name, darkness flees, it has no hold on me

Jesus, the most beautiful name that I know
You're the exalted One
Jesus, You have the power alone
You lift the lonely ones, Jesus

Be exalted, be exalted, be exalted higher and higher

with everything

love this video. love hillsong nyc. love jesus.

With Everything :: Hillsong NYC Creative Night (Full Version) from HillsongNYC on Vimeo.

Breakdown to Breakthrough

Last night I had a major breakdown which led to a major breakthrough.

The last two weeks I've had to make myself vulnerable, which I hate, in order to start working through some things, and ultimately start healing. It's been extremely hard, uncomfortable, and emotionally draining. Yesterday it was all really starting to get to me. On top of that, some other things were happening, and I was starting to feel insecure and down on myself.

Last night I was supposed to have some friends come over around 10:30. Being around my friends usually cheers me up and gets me in a better mood, but it was like I was too tired and depressed to even want to be cheered up. I know that sounds dramatic and ridiculous, but it is what it is lol... I ended up canceling on them, and just sat in my room and sulked.

That was the WRONG thing to do. I started heading south extremely quick and was on the verge of doing something really stupid.

In the midst of my sulking, I realized that I had two choices.

#1 - I could continue to sulk and dwell on everything that's going wrong in my life, get to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, ignore God, and act out in a dumb way in which I would later regret. Or,

#2 - Go to God with everything.

Luckily, I chose #2. It took me a while to finally give in, but I'm so glad that I did. Why is it that during the times we know we need God the most, a lot of us will try to resist Him? Maybe it's just me, I don't know. It's like I get comfortable in my pity party and don't want to leave... pretty ridiculous. But I tell you what, once I gave in to Him, I was overcome by a peace greater than anything I can really explain. I knew right then that everything was going to be okay.

He opened my eyes and shifted my focus from everything that's "going wrong" to everything that's going RIGHT. And it turns out, I have a lot more going "right" in my life than I thought. I am EXTREMELY blessed. I AM growing leaps in bounds, I've come out of a disaster situation, and I AM going to make it. God's favor is SO evident in my life. Instead of only seeing the bad in my situation, I was finally able to see it from God's perspective, which was so refreshing. My tears turned from sad tears, to happy tears, and I was able to just rest in Him.

I know it's cliche to say, "run to God, give it God," blah blah blah, but really, when you run to God, He will never let you down. He'll meet you exactly where you are. Even if you're at your lowest point. It just takes one step towards Him, and He'll be there. People will always let you down, but He never ever, ever, ever will. I don't know about you, but I find that so comforting.

Really Real

God is seriously ripping my heart apart in the best way possible and building it back up to be way better than it was before. I really don't know any other way to describe it. It's hard to put into words what is going on in my heart.

I've grown up in the church my whole life, but I can honestly say that I have NEVER experienced anything like this before. It's like my entire being is just being broken all apart. My old mindset is being shattered, my old habits are being broken, the way I talk is changing... everything is going haywire, and I still have such a long way to go to get to where I need to be. But at the same time, I feel a peace that I've never known before. It's the craziest/coolest/realest thing ever.

When I finally decided to get really real with God, like REALLY REAL, not just my regular half-hearted "real"... he showed up. He's changing my whole life.

He's showing me who he really is. He's making himself known to me in a whole new way. I always thought I knew who God was... I was so far off. He's so much more than what we think. He's so much greater than what we think. We're not even close to being capable of grasping him in his entire glory.

It really just blows me away.

wisdom tweets

@shininfame - Every right decision u make helps reverse the results of the wrong decisions u made in the past!!! #joyceMeyer WOW WOW WOW

@AndyMineo - When the Lord reveals a truth to u that u need 2 respond to, do not wait, respond immediately. Make the time to live out obedience.

@katehodz - well it's obvious the devil hates God's chosen children #pushthruwarriors

@PaulTripp - True worship isn't best shown by the comfortable corporate confessions on Sunday, but by your choices of submission Monday through Saturday.

@HenriNouwen - This brief lifetime is my opportunity to receive love, deepen love, grow in love, and give love.

@hookersforjesus - So easy 2 love those who are our friends, family & who help us. But 2 love, pray for & bless our enemies-Jesus commands it! Can you do it?

@hookersforjesus - God doesn't always call those who have clean pasts. He often calls those who have experienced darkness & know how to lead others OUT

@louiegiglio - Crazy thought: NOTHING can stop you from walking with the Creator of the world (Jesus) all through this day...but you.

@JarridWilson - The right time to do the right thing is right now.

@jaydeaduncan - Waiting - when you want to run - is one of the greatest demonstrations of trust. #youngleaders

@Dammit_Caitlyn - If you decide to look for the beauty in people when you meet them, you'll find it.

@SaCaufield - Our past may explain why were suffering but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage! #joycemeyer #battlefieldofthemind

@CraigMosgrove - I don't care what others have told you. Jesus has no desire to IMPROVE you; He desires to TRANSFORM you! #selfhelpisdeception

@DaveRamsey - One definition of maturity, the ability to delay pleasure.

@PerryNoble - Question, if you "can't do it" then why does God keep bringing it to mind? Philippians 1:6

@MatthewBarnett - When the intensity to want to quit seems so unbearable...the blessing of taking one more step leads to the unbelievable.

@JeremyIDR - “Did God actually say" - Satan

@shininfame - A good friend leads you closer to God. A dangerous friend leads you away from God.

@Dalisha_Turner - If you're hitting a wall keep pressing forward! There is a whole generation waiting on your breakthrough for them to receive theirs #believe

@Jentezen - Let the old bad memory's die. Your future is greater than your past!

@MatthewBarnett - Don't judge people in addictions....be the key of encouragement that helps them spring forth from the trap they hate.

@dannychambers - The voices you listen to are a preview of the future you.

@MatthewBarnett - Never let the devil tell you that your day by day victories are small compared to your past...THEY ARE HUGE.

and my personal favorite...

@darrinpatrick - Say no to crocs

seek God

There are so many verses in the Bible that talk about God showing up when you seek Him...

"If you seek God, your God, you'll be able to find him if you're serious, looking for him with your whole heart and soul." Deuteronomy 4:29

"When you come looking for me, you will find me. I'll make sure that you won't be disappointed." Jeremiah 29:13

"If you seek him, he'll make sure you find him." 2 Chronicles 28:9

"God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks." Lamentations 3:25

All of these verses have proven to be so true in my life. Ever since I've gotten serious about going after this heart-change, life-change, whatever you want to call it, God has shown up like never before. He's opening so many doors for me, closing doors that need to be closed, blessing me with friends who encourage me and push me to grow closer to Him, putting new songs on my heart, healing my heart, softening my heart, breaking my heart, building up a Godly confidence in me, opening up my eyes to what really matters, providing protection, using others to speak into me, using me to speak into others, speaking to me through his Word... and the list goes on and on!

I can promise you there is NOTHING in this world as good as God. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I've done just about everything out there to try to "fill the void" and find happiness. The ONLY thing that will bring true joy is a relationship with Jesus.

I encourage you to really get serious about going after God with your whole heart, if you're not already. And if you are, take it to the next level! Get serious! Watch him show up in ways you couldn't even imagine! Be ready and expectant to have your world rocked and your heart/mind changed from the inside out! Yes, it's going to be hard at times, but if I can do it, you can do it. I promise you, it'll be the best thing you've ever done.

wake up call

Long story short... Last night I was dumb and fell right into Satan's trap. It was one of those things where I put myself in the wrong situation and set myself up for failure.

The crazy part about it is that right in the middle of me messing up, like literally DURING it, God showed up in the craziest way ever, seemingly out of nowhere. I don't want to go into all of the details, but I do want to tell you this -- God LOVES you personally and deeply. He really, really does. In the middle of my weakest moment, he was there. He hit me right in the face with the biggest wake up call I could ask for, other than Him personally descending from heaven in human form and talking straight to my face.

It doesn't make any sense to me why or how God loves me so much. I definitely don't deserve it. I deserve the opposite. But that's what really just blows me away about God... it doesn't matter that we don't deserve it. He loves us despite us. No matter how "bad" we are, we can never do anything to make him stop loving us. It's so crazy.

I mean really, how cool is it that God cares enough about me to come meet me in the middle of my mess, in order to get my attention?! He cares for all of us like that. So so so crazy. It's even crazier that God used my disobedience and sin last night for HIS glory. Satan THOUGHT that he won because he got me to give in. But NO. God turned it right around and used it to show me just HOW MUCH he loves me and how he's never going to give up on me. It was the greatest reminder of his love and grace for me and I'm so thankful for it. His love is truly relentless.

Wow.

Thank you, Jesus.

keep fighting

Do you ever feel like you're in over your head? There's all this crap going on, and right when you think things can't get any worse, they do. Something else happens, adding to your already lengthy list of stressors. When will something let up? You're trying to catch a break, but instead, you're only breaking down. All the while, you're crying out...

"God, where are you in the midst of this mess?

Do you even care?

Do you hear me?

Can't you see that I'm hurting?

Jesus, please.

I'm begging You.

Help me out.

I can't do this anymore.

It's all too much.

DO SOMETHING!"

It's easy to trust God when things are going good, but what about in times like these? Times when you don't feel God at all. Times when he isn't intervening right away like you think he should. Times when if you get gut-level honest, you don't even know why you're trying anymore.

Are you the type to push through and continue to trust and believe that God will come through for you?

Or are you the type to give up when things get tough?

Maybe, just maybe, God allows us to go through hard times. Maybe he allows us to be broken. When we are broken, it gives us an opportunity to grow in our faith. It gives us an opportunity to build perseverance. An opportunity to trust when we can't see what lies ahead, and when we feel like we can't make it.

We HAVE to push through, as hard as it is.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've felt like giving up since I decided to turn my life around. My natural response to adversity is to shut down and quit fighting. But I now know that quitting is not an option. I have to keep going, no matter how hard it gets.

YOU have to keep going.

This broken world needs YOU and the hope you've found in Jesus.

You have so much to offer.

Don't give up now!

Whether you feel like it or not, God is THERE. He HEARS you. He CARES for you. He's coming to YOUR rescue. Keep leaning on Him. Keep pushing through. It's WORTH the fight.

You're going to make it.

"So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time, we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." Galatians 6:9

Kick Compromising to the Curb

I feel like the last week has been one big emotional rollercoaster for me. Satan has been coming at me from every angle and trying his absolute hardest to throw me off track. It's like the closer I get to God, the harder it gets. You think it'd be the opposite, but no. The only difference is that it gets a little easier to resist the things he tempts me with. He's definitely turned up the heat this past week, and it's taking everything within me to flee. To be honest, he's really wearing me down. I've been entertaining thoughts that I know I shouldn't. I really feel like one of the biggest tools Satan uses is compromising. He'll send me thoughts like, "It's okay for you to go out with them for just this one night and drink. It's not like you're getting high. You don't even have to get that drunk." When these thoughts come, I'm left with two options. #1 - I can agree with the thought, and go with it, convincing myself that it's really not that big of a deal. Or #2 - I can recognize the thought for what it is, reject it, and tell Satan to leave me the hell alone. Why is it so hard to choose option #2 sometimes? Why do we fall for the trap of compromising? When I compromise, I'm making a deal with Satan and settling for less than what God wants for me. How stupid is that?! I pray daily that God gives me eyes to see through Satan's tricks and for strength to resist them. Even though I've felt down this week, I know that God is stronger and faithful to come through on my behalf. It sucks feeling lonely and like you're missing out on all the fun that comes with sin, but we've got to trust that what God has for us is so much better and more fulfilling.

"Give Me Faith"

I encourage all of you to read through these lyrics and make this your prayer for today (and every day!)...


I may be weak
but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
but my God, you never will

I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart
I need you to open my eyes
To see that You're shaping my life

All I am,
I surrender

Give me faith to trust what you say
That you're good and your love is great
I'm broken inside, I give you my life

I need you to soften my heart
To break me apart

I need you pierce through the dark
And cleanse every part of me

I may be weak
but Your Spirit's strong in me
My flesh may fail
but my God, you never will

a21 campaign

Please take the time to watch this video and then visit the website to see how you can get involved! I'm very passionate about this, and am determined to raise awareness and get others onboard to help stop human trafficking.

Transition

The last few months have been a time of transition for me. I've had to cut off relationships that weren't healthy, ditch a lifestyle, finish up my sophomore year of college, get ready to move into my first apartment, make new friends... Everything I've known my whole life has been turned upside down and it hasn't been easy.

I've had a really hard time trying to figure out where to go and what to do. I've felt so torn. Part of me didn't want to leave what I've grown up with, and the other part of me felt like I needed to. My heart has been physically hurting from trying to decide what my next step in life should be. I've been praying for God to give me clarity on what to do and for him to just lead me to where he wants me to be. Until tonight, it still wasn't clear.

It's 3am, I logged onto Twitter before going to bed, and a tweet from Darlene Zschech (one of the greatest worship leaders of all time) came up on my newsfeed. It said,

"Don't let your heart get caught in the PAST of transition, but dream and be inspired for all that the future holds."

This was the clarity I've been asking God for.

I finally feel okay with where I am now. I no longer feel like I'm not being loyal, I don't feel like a traitor, and I don't feel bad... I know this is where God has called me to be. As hard as it's been to accept all of this change, I now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God has directed my steps to exactly where I am today. I still have a long way to go in this journey, but I know that he holds my future in his hands. He's blessed me with some awesome people to do life with, and I am forever thankful for that.

I don't deserve any of this and it continues to blow my mind daily of how blessed and favored I really am by him. Thank you, Jesus.

Just a reminder...

God loves you more than you could ever know. No matter who you are, what you do, what you've done, where you're from, what you believe... He loves you sooooooo much. I used to think that there was no way God could still love me after all the crap I've done. I didn't even love me! But the awesome thing is, I was so wrong. He loved me at my darkest, and he chose me when I didn't believe. And the same goes for you.

play it out

I stole this from Steven Furtick's blog, but I think it's a good read for anyone struggling with temptation! His blog can be found here: http://www.stevenfurtick.com/personal-development/play-it-out/

There’s a simple exercise that can reorient your perspective for any struggle or temptation you’ll ever face.

One of Satan’s greatest weapons is to get you stuck in the moment. The moment of your pain. Your trial. Your temptation. He freeze-frames your current situation and makes you forget everything that you have to gain from it. Or everything that you have to lose from it.

When you face these situations, the best thing you can do is get out of the freeze frame and fast forward to the end. Take a moment and play it out.

Play out your struggles:

If I suffer…I’ll get more reward.

If I experience pain…it’s not worth comparing to the glory awaiting me.

If I die…I’ll be with Christ.

Or on the negative side, play out your temptations:

If I do something unethical…I’ll lose my job.

If I look at porn…I’ll lose my ability to see God clearly.

If I have an affair…I’ll lose my family.

Yes, it’s simple. But it can make a profound impact on nearly every circumstance you’ll ever face in life.

Start taking your situations or temptations to their conclusion. See what incredible possibilities might be in store for you because of Jesus. Or what horrible ones might be in store for you if you neglect Him. There’s more potential in your pain than you can possibly imagine. There’s also more travesty that can come out of your temptation than you can possibly understand.

Don’t let the limited perspective of a moment dictate your life. When you find yourself in a moment of struggle or temptation, stop for a moment. Play it out. And then move forward towards the conclusion God wants for you.