Breakdown to Breakthrough

Last night I had a major breakdown which led to a major breakthrough.

The last two weeks I've had to make myself vulnerable, which I hate, in order to start working through some things, and ultimately start healing. It's been extremely hard, uncomfortable, and emotionally draining. Yesterday it was all really starting to get to me. On top of that, some other things were happening, and I was starting to feel insecure and down on myself.

Last night I was supposed to have some friends come over around 10:30. Being around my friends usually cheers me up and gets me in a better mood, but it was like I was too tired and depressed to even want to be cheered up. I know that sounds dramatic and ridiculous, but it is what it is lol... I ended up canceling on them, and just sat in my room and sulked.

That was the WRONG thing to do. I started heading south extremely quick and was on the verge of doing something really stupid.

In the midst of my sulking, I realized that I had two choices.

#1 - I could continue to sulk and dwell on everything that's going wrong in my life, get to the point where I couldn't take it anymore, ignore God, and act out in a dumb way in which I would later regret. Or,

#2 - Go to God with everything.

Luckily, I chose #2. It took me a while to finally give in, but I'm so glad that I did. Why is it that during the times we know we need God the most, a lot of us will try to resist Him? Maybe it's just me, I don't know. It's like I get comfortable in my pity party and don't want to leave... pretty ridiculous. But I tell you what, once I gave in to Him, I was overcome by a peace greater than anything I can really explain. I knew right then that everything was going to be okay.

He opened my eyes and shifted my focus from everything that's "going wrong" to everything that's going RIGHT. And it turns out, I have a lot more going "right" in my life than I thought. I am EXTREMELY blessed. I AM growing leaps in bounds, I've come out of a disaster situation, and I AM going to make it. God's favor is SO evident in my life. Instead of only seeing the bad in my situation, I was finally able to see it from God's perspective, which was so refreshing. My tears turned from sad tears, to happy tears, and I was able to just rest in Him.

I know it's cliche to say, "run to God, give it God," blah blah blah, but really, when you run to God, He will never let you down. He'll meet you exactly where you are. Even if you're at your lowest point. It just takes one step towards Him, and He'll be there. People will always let you down, but He never ever, ever, ever will. I don't know about you, but I find that so comforting.

Really Real

God is seriously ripping my heart apart in the best way possible and building it back up to be way better than it was before. I really don't know any other way to describe it. It's hard to put into words what is going on in my heart.

I've grown up in the church my whole life, but I can honestly say that I have NEVER experienced anything like this before. It's like my entire being is just being broken all apart. My old mindset is being shattered, my old habits are being broken, the way I talk is changing... everything is going haywire, and I still have such a long way to go to get to where I need to be. But at the same time, I feel a peace that I've never known before. It's the craziest/coolest/realest thing ever.

When I finally decided to get really real with God, like REALLY REAL, not just my regular half-hearted "real"... he showed up. He's changing my whole life.

He's showing me who he really is. He's making himself known to me in a whole new way. I always thought I knew who God was... I was so far off. He's so much more than what we think. He's so much greater than what we think. We're not even close to being capable of grasping him in his entire glory.

It really just blows me away.